How much nonesense can you accept in this world? Take another of my nonesense writings hee hee hee. This writing is mostly about the "emo" part of my life. It might be the weirdest perspective you've ever taken your eyes upon, or it might be the most common experience anyone can have. Who knows? *shrugs* Well, I have to challenge you somehow as a reader. Can you read this writing without any biasing? Quite difficult isn't it? If you were ever a "emo" in your life, then you this stuff should hit you tender, but even if you haven't, why don't you take a look at what an "emo" life is like, before you judge? Or are you simply too ignorant to try? If you have anything to say then please don't hesitate to leave a comment below.
My selfish motivation for starting this article is because of a person. This certain person used to be a classmate from junior high school to college. This certain person is someone that I've known for more than ten years, considered as a friend, yet at the same time, had a very thin, and fragile bond that kept everything together.
I'm a loner. For those who know me, it's probably no mystery. I'm also an emotionless person. Ironically, I want someone to care for an emotionless person like me, not the dramatic types you see in movies, but something more like a form of understanding than care. If I have to put it in words, maybe, probably, kind of, sort of, I want someone, some thing, or some force to do something between caring and understanding, yet neither of them.
I don't want other people's care because I have low self esteem. At least I think I still do. Let's just assume I do have low self esteem right now. There are several reasons. One, I don't want someone to think I'm weak, stupid, useless, leech, or any of the following. Two, I don't like debts, unless it leads to more benefits, like a "super hot girlfriend" (wait a minute, maybe something more specific. More on that later). I don't want to owe anyone anything, because the repayment's shape is going to be too uncertain in the future, and it's a risk I definitely can not take. As a kundalini practitioner I'm more sensitive to laws of karma. However, I know, for certain that, if you want a great friend, then you'll have to learn to owe more debts, and take responsibility for it with lots of courage. Debts keep relationships together, whether friends or lovers. The reason is not because it's morally the right thing to do, but it acts as a strong selfish motivation for one person to continue caring for the other. For example, children binds couple together even if they don't love each other anymore, for now, or forever, because in the back of their minds, or should I say, comfort pocket, those words will always echo; I'm not doing this for him, I'm doing it for the sake of my children. History has shown people taking advantage of such a relationship binding element, and many tragedies have happened. That's why I can not take the risk. However, if you want something more than just yourself in life, then risk is one thing you'll have to learn to carry. Third, I don't want others to care, because I don't want to hurt the benefactor,(for discussion sake I'll call this person a benefactor). I can't guarantee that I can give back what I take, so in the end, the benefactor gets hurt, and I am the so-called winner, or thief, depending on how people look at it.
One other thing I don't want others to have is to understand me. I want to keep secrets. I want to feel special, and I want to keep my mouths shut on skills that keeps me at the top of something as a part of my comfort pocket. I don't want weaknesses exposed. However, ever since I learned about, or remembered about comfort pocket, I realize that exposing my weaknesses will just make me understand myself more, and see the directions I can expand myself with. However, old comfort pockets can not be destroyed, so in the end, I'll still hide even if I shouldn't. Incomplete comfort pocket versus old comfort pocket, time and effort will tell.
A friend that doesn't hurt, care, understand, but retaining vague elements of each quality is probably rare, or impossible. In the end, it's more than a single click on face book. It's about a real dilemma I can't handle for ten years. Why is a friend a friend? When is a friend a friend? I can hang out with a person. We can play games together. The problem is, it's the game, and meal that binds the friendship, if I can call it that, together, yet it's not real trust that binds it together. Maybe I should say sorry, but maybe I should say thank you. Hope is very funny thing. Only a single event will trigger it; someone added me on facebook. Yet, it's also a tragic thing; I have to refuse it for that person's sake.
Like I mentioned above, this article is not a self help guide. It's an emotional article, so don't take any of this as advice. You can say that it's a mere stepping stone of my path to true understanding. It's pointless to stay on a stepping stone, instead of continuing your journey towards your actual goal. I've given up on a lot of things, for most people, very invaluable things, but there's one thing that I've never given up no matter who, or what hates me; save the world. Like I always say in a very dramatic voice, "I just gotta do it".
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